Life…

So many things have happened to me this year. I turned 30, I experienced a life changing event with my mother, and have now begun therapy. I’ve only been to one session, and I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to work through some issues that I’ve had for a long time. 

The diagnosis for my mental health is PTSD and major depressive disorder. The anxiety is part of the PTSD, I guess. I was so tired after the one “why are you here” session that I’m a little afraid of what’s going to happen in future appointments, when we really get into the scary stuff.

On top of that, I’m struggling with a situation that just makes no sense! My sister, who is 18 months older than I, had her first child at 14 years old. That meant I was 13 when he was born. After a few months, she tried to kill herself. When this happened, my parents let her have a life. That meant that my life was stopped short, as I was usually the one left in charge of the baby. I’ve never figured out their logic in this, other than I never tried to commit suicide because I had to take care of him, so leave it to the youngest person in the house. Sure…  Anyway, my sister didn’t take her son on until he was about 5 years old. I was a constant in his world until he was almost 11 and my sister decided to disappear completely. After a little over a year, she came back from wherever she had been hiding and I was back in his life. Shortly after his 13th birthday, my sister had ended up homeless (after a divorce and starting a Meth habit) so I took in my nephew. In and out of my house he went, while she went back and forth between hating me and needing me to take care of her son. I finally called Child Protective Services because he needed asthma medicine and I had no means to take him to the doctor, as I was not his legal guardian. They ordered her to get him medical treatment, and when she showed proof of insurance, they let her have him. Less than a month later, he was shipped off to his dad several states away. That only lasted a few months, and then his Dad called and asked me to take him back, the responsibility of a 14 year old was too much for him. I said OK, and had my nephew flown back within a week, custody paperwork in hand.

It’s been a ride, he just turned 17, and I was met with a HUGE insult. Out of nowhere, my sister comes for a visit (she’s been living another state over, shooting up Meth and being a prostitute) and keeps my nephew out until almost midnight on a school night! I texted her that I didn’t appreciate it and used some colorful language. She came back with an accusation of abuse! She said she was sober and planned to correct the situation. I asked her what she was talking about (I’ve never laid a hand on my nephew or put him down verbally) she said that he’s miserable and I grounded him unnecessarily. Long story short, the kid got an F and was grounded. We let him switch schools to try and salvage his grades before his senior year next year. He’s maintained the F, so his groundation stays. He’s obviously miserable about it. He went and told his mom that he had an F because he switched schools! When I figured this out, I went off on her! Not going to lie, I called her a selfish cunt and a drugee whore. Because of me saying mean things, she labeled me a mean and hateful person. She said she won’t let my nasty get into her heart. Later that day, my nephew told me I was a bad person! I only pretend to be nice so that nobody sees what a terrible person I was. This coming from the kid that I literally sacrificed my childhood for! Talk about words hurting! I sent him to his room and grounded him from his phone. (his argument for my terrible behavior? We scolded him for leaving food out, and I control the house.)

After a while he came out and apologized. I told him it’s understandable for him to want to live with his mom, and if she was truly sober, I’d like nothing else! We talked and my sister was supposed to be back for Mother’s Day. Surprise! She blew her son off and still hasn’t even talked to me. When her son asked her when she was coming to get him? She thought she had at least a year before he moved in with her. He’s 18 in a year. He’s not going to move in with her. So, now, I’m going to keep taking care of my nephew. Regardless of the years of emotional abuse at her hands, I’ll raise her son. Not for her though, for the child she abandoned.

The worst part is that he lashes out at me, because she wouldn’t take it and still care for him, so because I’m a loving person, I’ll get the shit. I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had with my nephew for anything, but I’m still really fucking angry that I was a teenaged mother before I ever even had sex.

So now, almost halfway through 2017, I’m already so over it!

Sorry for the ranting blog, but I just had to put these feelings out there. Please interact and tell me your take on the situation. Sometimes an outside opinion is the best one!

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